Switched
by Sakura-Revolution
Summary: Zolf Kimblee is a psycho path, Edward Elric is a hero... what happens when they switch, and how will I work Greed into all fo this?
1. Chapter 1

I received a challenge...

Sooooo

Hasso, this is for you, the idea was way too good to resist.

Most alchemists thought of The Gate as a stone barrier, blocking one world from another, but really, they would have done a better job, thinking of it was a slightly deranged mother, with over a thousand strange and usually out of their mind children. Because The Gate was very alive… and as such, at times had a sense of humor… and this is basically the result of said humor.

So, one morning, The Gate decided that a certain blonde hair alchemist was getting a little too easy a ride, of course, this couldn't happen. She rather liked Alphonse's body… it made a good coffee table. She set her mocha on it as she considered options. Soon she was down to just two, cover Edward in a sticky, completely invisible coating that attracted rabid geese to chase him continuously, or switch his body with someone else's. And let's face it, sticky goose attractant is expensive.

So body switching it was. She frowned and picked at a ring on Al's back with a fingernail…. She would really have to get coasters soon.


	2. Chapter 2

Edward woke up and yawned for a long time, noticing idly that he was in a different bed. He wondered a little if he had fallen asleep at Roy's house again, but quickly dismissed that, remembering that Roy's room was NEVER this clean, and since when did he have a box of fireworks on his bookshelf…. And dresser…. And toilet…. And in the bathtub? Ed blinked and got up, eyes still half closed as he stumbled to the commode, and moved the box off the seat. As he stood there, he blinked, wondering when his pecker had gotten so big… damn puberty. He also noticed his pubes were black… what? He looked up into the mirror above the sink, and nearly screamed, as it was he pissed all over his feet.

That was NOT his face.

Kimblee opened his eyes and rolled out of bed, a little surprised that his bed was as messy as it was… and that he owned a giant suit of armor. He blinked at it and nearly wet himself when it moved.

"Brother?" It asked, in the voice of a 10 year old girl… or maybe boy… damn at that age they all sounded the same. He blinked.

"Who?"

"BROTHER!" Now it sounded annoyed, and it gave him a light shove in the shoulder, which, Kimblee was amazed didn't hurt in the least, although it made a disconcerting clink noise. "You got drunk again didn't you! Go take a long shower and wake up… NOW!" Kimblee blinked, raising an eyebrow, then nodded and walked off. He stopped in front of the full length mirror, and did faint.

He had never been blonde before.

Edward had searched through Kimblee's closet for over an hour before he found anything he'd be caught dead in… honestly, how much gayer could someone get? He finally decided on a long black coat, white tank and black pants. He noticed that the shirt seemed a little baggy, and was a little concerned to discover that he could count ribs. Did this guy eat? He walked out, pushing the long hair that kept falling back in out of his face… how did he do that wrap thing anyways? He tried to keep his hands in his pockets, and felt like crying every time he caught a look at his face in a store window… He just had to get to Mustang and get this sorted out.

He had noticed that one hand always seemed warm, while the other was so cold it made his teeth clatter, and it took him almost an hour to realize that logically, a sun marking would be warm, and a moon cold… the fact that it took him so long made him want to scream. He was unsure about this body… how did Kimblee use his seal anyways? Did they set themselves off? No, that couldn't be, Kimblee had too much control over his powers, able to blow away layers of skin without harming mucus membranes in the area could not be done with generic seals, but even so, Edward feared touching them together.

As he walked, he wondered if his body was okay. He didn't even consider what could be IN his body, or he would have moved a hell of a lot faster.

Zolf Kimblee was at that very moment, walking his body into Central.

A/N: Yes, I know, cliff hanger, but I'm not used to multiple chappie stories!

: P


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: To Hasso.

Worry not… much will happen…. Just wait…

Oh, and did you order a nice dose of Yaoi?

Roy yawned and poked at a turtle in an aquarium…. He still couldn't figure out why the fuher's son had given him an office turtle, but figured it best not to insult the little bugger. He looked up and noticed "Ed" was walking up the hall, and dove under the desk with a mirror… office romances were too stressful…. Was his hair perfect? Was his breath smelling good… what had he eaten last? Onion encrusted garlic liver didn't smell bad… did it? He decided he must smell good and popped out just in time to nearly give Kimblee a heart attack.

"heeelllooooo beautiful." He purred in his best sexy voice, and was rewarded with an incredulous look and a slap right across his face. Roy re adjusted his jaw and gave a little shake to get himself back together. "I love it when you're playful!"

"Who's being playful you son of a…." Kimblee was cut off when the colonel decided to get a kiss. Kimblee at first considered blowing him into pieces, but decided it was too much trouble… plus he didn't have his seals. Then he got a better idea…. But not before he passed out from the lethal garlic/onion/liver breath.

Edward tried to keep to shadows as he walked and strived not to be recognized until he got to the office where it was safe… Oh, Roy had to know what to do… he always knew what to do…. riight?

He noticed people looking at him and lowered his head further, and walked head on into a man. Unfortunately, Edward was much bigger than he used to be, and he knocked the person over. He looked up, and his mind whirred to place the face… way too pale, eyes too blue to be natural…. Anemic adhesion of the flesh to the cheek bones.

"hello Lt. Colonel…." He stammered as he recognized Frank Archer. The solder rubbed his head, and then leaned forward, planting a surprisingly chaste kiss on Edward's lips, which caused him to do what any self-respecting teenage boy would.

"Eww!" he rubbed his face all over his sleeve, and Archer laughed.

"Aww, now Zolfie… don't be that way." He purred, standing up, and tugging Ed to his feet. "On our day off too…. Now come on… I'll make you put your mouth to much more important purposes…."

Edward shivered as Frank Archer dragged him down the street.

A/N: Aww… poor Ed!

What will happen?

Gotta read the next chappie!


	4. Chapter 4

(A/N: Yeah i know... not enough updates... but I have a good excuse.

I no longer own a computer (My mother broke ours) so until i do, I'll try to get you guys stuff... but it'll take forever.

Anyways, here's an update... now make with the reviews... 'kay?)

Edward sighed, licking another envelope, pleased that Archer's "use" wasn't quite what he had expected. Of course, he shouldn't have been surprised, after all, what would willingly sleep with Archer? He smoothed another envelope shut and started planning an escape. He didn;t want to spend the whole day closing envelopes, but a few hours alone with the Lt. Colonel had readily convinced him that the man both liked guns, and had no qualms about shooting at him. Conversation on the other hand was becoming difficult. Archer seemed to suspect something, and Edward was afraid what he would do if he figured out that "Kimblee" wasn't really Kimblee.

Archer toyed with a handgun, cleaning something out of the barrel, before frowning.

"You're too quiet, normally I can't shut you up." He said drily. Ed jumped, but scrambled to think of something to say. He finally thought up a good excuse.

"I uh... I have a cold." He said. "Sore throat."

This answer for some reason cracked Archer up. "Cold, huh? I doubt it. You need to leave that thing alone... I don't care if he DID forgive you." He opened a folder off his desk and frowned. "I'm not just scolding... You shouldn't be messing with monsters..." Edward nodded vaugly and closed another envelope. Inwardly he wondered what Kimblee did to get sore throats regularly.

***

Kimblee himself had finally extracted himself from Roy, and wandered out to the street, gagging. No matter how much contempt he had for the alchemist that he now seemed to be inhabiting the body of, no one deserved THAT. He finally managed to get a good breath into his chest, and shook his head for a minute. It was a few minutes later when it occoured to him that, if he had the alchemist's body.... then his own was probably in a similar situation. He broke into a run, towards the rough part of town his appartment was in.

He finally got to the building, and finding the door locked, frowned and pushed hard against the knob. It clicked open and he briefly snickered at the thought of breaking into his own home. Rumaging through a stack of papers, he finally found the journal he was looking for... just as he heard a door opening. He dove into a closet and pulled it shut. Kimblee nearly yelled when he noticed Greed walk in the door. Even being killed didn't discourage the Homunculus from comming after him... someday Kimblee vowed he'd find out how the hell Greed did that. But for now, he just felt pissed that Greed was in his flat...

((Yes this was short, and probably not as funny as the other chapters, but I've been sick. I just wanted to get another chapter up for the people who leave "sad" reviews. BTW: If anyone can think of a plot twist involving the office turtle, I'll dedicate a chapter to you.))


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to ShadowKatXBreak, who came up with an idea involving the office turtle. Kick. Ass.

Unfortunatly, i can't let them switch back JUUUUST yet, but escaping turtles sound fun.

***

Roy Mustang shook a few pellets of turtle food into the tank and frowned. The turtle didn't seem to be moving much. Plus it had changed colors. He was pretty sure they did that, buit just in case decided to find someone who knew about such things. He looked around the office, trying to decide who knew about such things.

Havoc? No... If it was about pornography, maybe, but not turtles. Hawkeye might know... but then again she might shoot at him again about his unfinished paperwork and chase him... and that was mildly upsetting, due to her talent for "missing" vital body parts. He finally settled on asking Falman.

"Look! My turtle changed colors!" He said proudly. Falman stared at him for a moment, gauging whether this was a trick, then stared at the tank.

"Turtles do not change colors, sir!" He barked, saluting as well just to be sure he was delivering this news as formally and politely as possible. Roy blinked.

"Of course they do! see, this green office turtle has become a brown office turtle!" He said pointing.

Falman took a look and sighed.

"That is a rock.... Sir!"

***

Kimblee fidgeted uncomfortably in the closet, noticing how badly sealed the automail arm he was wearing was. He knew for a fact that automail was supposed to connect firmly, and this thing was just plain unpleasant. He wondered if it was a flaw in its manufacture, or if this kid had just destroyed his seal. Greed was still poking through the apartment, and wandered into the bathroom where Kimblee could hear it taking a leak... in the sink.

Kiblee, entirely without thinking clapped his hands and ran to punish the Homunculus. "Use the toilet!" He yelled, racing in and he was surprised when he managed to detonate the irritating creature. Greed reformed and turned around confused.

"Shortie? Wait..." It moved his arm as muscle tissue reformed over it, and suddenly blinked.

"But... You're Kimblee. You smell like MY Kimblee, but you look like Shortie." Greed looked confused and halfway adorable. Kimblee sighed.

"Yeah. I know." He sat on the bed and rubbed his forehead. Greed sat down beside him, sniffing him contently.

"I've never had sex with an amputee.... do you think we could have a quickie?" It said, poking Kimblee. Kimblee glared.

"No. Now let me think."


End file.
